With the
recent passing of a friend’s 13 month old baby, it has made me think a lot
about loss. How I deal with it and how others deal with it. I keep thinking
about my own losses in life, which pale in comparison but took me down a
similar path of grieving.
I too have
had to deal with the grief of losing a child, only mine was through miscarriage. I
reflect on my own grief as I have dealt with that over the years and absolutely
CANNOT imagine what it must be like for her or other parents. However, I still
have had to grieve my own losses.
I remember
my first miscarriage as if it were yesterday. I remember feeling so alone and
empty. Yes, empty is the most appropriate word to describe it. With this
miscarriage I suffered a “blighted ovum” and that resulted in an empty womb and
a d&c. My little womb was empty and a little piece of my heart was too. My
most recent miscarriage is so fresh in my mind; I can still feel the pain in my heart
as I type this. I remember my fear when I knew miscarriage was eminent. My body
knew what it was doing this time but my heart wasn't as prepared as I thought. And my mind was just...at a loss as well.
In the weeks
following both miscarriages I could hear the whispers, I could see the blank
stares, I could even feel the awkward silence. Nobody knew what to say to me
and most of the time people who did say stuff ended up saying the wrong stuff
(unintentionally). And if you have never
suffered a loss, you may be wondering, what can we do or say?
Here is my list of how respond to a grieving mother:
- ·
Ask: It’s ok to ask her how she is doing, how she feels, or even questions about the baby (due date, how far along she was). But be prepared that the answer may
not be simple and may involve tears. (Don’t take it personal).
- ·
Keep it simple: “I’m sorry”
goes a long way.
- ·
Know your grieving mother: This one seems like it is the most important to me. Does she like hugs, does she like to talk...etc. Hugs are
nice but I preferred them in private because I dislike crying and for whatever
reason hugs squeezed the tears right out of me. And those of you, who know me,
know I’m not much of a hugger or a crier.
- ·
Listen! Instead of telling her a story about someone
else in a similar situation. In this moment SHE is the one hurting and as
selfish as it sounds probably doesn't care about those people right now. Unless
she asks, of course. And sometimes I just wanted to vent about how I was feeling without judgement.
- ·
Hold the math: Don’t throw out statistics. Numbers
are not comforting in any form. And if she is like me, math gives her anxiety!
- ·
Forget luck: Don’t tell her how lucky she is that it
happened early. If that doesn't make sense. Let me just explain how it sounds
to the mom. “You are so lucky you lost your baby before you even got to hold
it.” Basically it emphasizes that she will never get to experience X, Y, Z with
her baby.
- · Patience: If your plan is to announce you are
expecting …WAIT!!! Your pregnancy is exciting and she would love to share your
happiness but she may not be ready. Give her some time to heal. And it may even
be necessary to tell her in private. But at all costs do not tell her on the
same day she told you of her miscarriage!
- ·
Be aware! This is for those who are already
visibly expecting. Don’t complain continuously about your pregnancy and don’t take
unnecessary risks (going on rollercoasters, eating sushi) during your pregnancy in front of her. I know those things
sound petty. Think of it from her perspective she is completely jealous of you.
She definitely wishes she was pregnant.
- ·
Serve: You can show her how much you care
by serving her. Especially if you don’t know what to do or say. Let her borrow your baby for a minute if she
needs that (refer to know your grieving mother). She might be struggling and more than likely
feels alone. Do not avoid her or isolate her.
Please, please, please keep in
mind, these are based off my own experiences and some only apply
to those first weeks following the loss and some may not apply at all. There will never be a fool proof guide
to follow.
Using these
things I learned here is what I wrote to
my friend after her loss.
Dear K,
Over the past week I cannot get you and your family out of my mind. I have been
checking on you through your Facebook posts and I have found myself unsure what
to say to you.
As I sat at your son’s funeral several things resonated with me. These thoughts
brought me back to your resent post of your half marathon. Running a half
marathon is not an easy task; it takes determination, dedication, endurance,
and even a little faith. Just as you prepared your body to run, Heavenly Father
helped prepare you for this. Much like that 13.1 miles it will not be a sprint,
this too will take time. During some of those miles you may have felt as if you
were being carried and you may find some of your days will feel the same. I pray
that you will feel of the love many of us have for you and your family and we
can continue to carry you forward during this difficult time and help you reach
that goal of the ultimate finish line, where your little man is waiting.
My
intentions of sending this message were pure. And if your intentions are pure,
she will know, regardless of following my advice. Sending that message was not only my attempt to help her to heal
it was actually cathartic for me as well.
Let's face it, we as mothers are part of a special club and when one of us is grieving, we are all grieving and need to take the time to heal.
