the mom with the crying child

Congratulations! 

You have a child that goes to dance or soccer or whatever activity! 

I have a child that is crying on the steps, clinging to my body, as if I am throwing her into a beehive.

I beg for her to show the new move she has been practicing to the teacher! 

I listen as the teachers assistant informs everyone that my daughter cries like this every week. 

I sit on the side, pleading with her to just go for a minute and reassure her that I won't leave.

I hear the comments from a mom, who probably just wants class to start, that their child loves to be here. 

I want to cry with my daughter but I don't, at least not until I am in the car. 

I even bribe her with a reward if she will stay. 

I glance over and see you, watching your little girl learn to leap and smiling back at you. 

I look at my daughter, who is sobbing at this point. 

I try to show her how much fun her friends are having in dance but she can't even look.

I feel her heart racing and see the fear in her eyes.

"What if I do it wrong?" "What if they laugh at me?" 

Those questions are probably just some of the many things going through her little mind, or the mind of a child with social phobia. 

How would I know that? Because my daughter is mini-me! 

I know the fear of not being good enough.

I know the hurt when people laugh but you weren't trying to be funny. 

I understand how she can be one kid at home and a completely different kid in public. 

 I also know the feeling of regret that comes with holding yourself back from everything.

And I understand how much I let myself miss out on. 

So, I'm going to keep dragging her into dance class. 

And listening to the whispers and watch the eye rolling. 

Because I know that she is great. 

And I can't wait for the day that you find out too!

a nurse

There is so much I can't tell you. I'm a nurse and it's the law. Thank you HIPPA!

Here is what I can tell you.

Nurses are amazing.
Nurses are strong.
Nurses are emotional.

We suffer when you suffer.
We celebrate when you celebrate.

We talk dirty (a lot)

We have seen things that we can't un-see.

All joking aside.

When I am at work. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be.

a crazy mom

There may not be anything strange or extreme about me being a mom. After all, I am a middle aged woman. But sometimes being a mom is HARD.

Yep, big shocker. Being responsible for someone is really, really hard.
So let's discuss the pro's of being a mom.

1. Clean sweep: I get to sweep and sometimes I get to mop multiple times a day. Maybe it's just my monsters but they sure eat like wild animals. (I should probably not refer to them as monsters if I don't want them to act as such). Pro: I have clean floors, even if it's just for a minute. And sweeping burns calories.

2. Cardio: I don't get to sit down for long periods of time. Said monsters from above need supervision. If it's quiet, then I especially need to be alert; if it's loud, something is probably being broken or disassembled; if they are hungry, I have to feed them. And so on...But I burn many calories each day.

3. Dishes! Yes, who doesn't love to do dishes. Thanks heavens for a dishwasher. With 3 little rugrats, I'm doing dishes way more than seems reasonable. Add that up on my calorie burn for the day.

4. Stories! Not only do I get to read stories. I also get to hear some of the most amazing stories. Just in the 10 minutes of carpool I have learned some interesting things about my neighbors. But they also have awesome imaginations. For instance, did you know that Big Foot was spotted right by my house? Yep, so true and don't even get me started on the zombies. Pro: my kids are not boring. Plus, I get dirt on the neighbors!

5. Love, hate and everything in between. My kids are so good about saying I love you, especially when they want something. But sometimes they tell me they hate me. And that's when I know I was really a mom! A really, really, good mom!

6. Wounds. Now, this can go in many directions. I do get to kiss lots of boo boo's from active children. Thankfully, we've only had 1 broken bone! Lots of scrapes and bruises though. But I will tell you, stepping on a lego, matchbox car, t-rex, block, game piece, is by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I've never drawn blood but it feels like a knife has just serrated through my foot and twisted itself. Pro: hopping on one foot and holding back the cursing = calorie burn.

7. Keeping those reflexes sharp. Have you ever seen someone move as fast as a mother that see's her child in danger. I didn't think so. Example. Stupid shopping carts. One tiny buckle over the lap of my child doesn't hold them in place, they need a minimum of 5 point harness. Without fail, my child will climb out of said shopping cart and attempt to escape like a tiny little dare devil. And without fail they nearly fall head first out of the shopping cart. In which case my spidey  mom sense kicks in and I grab them with 1 hand by their leg. Pro: Nothing like a little adrenalin rush. And once again more calorie burn

8. Speed drills. I'm not talking about running here. I'm talking about going to the bathroom. You know what I mean. Even though, there might be times you want to lock yourself in and have just a moment. It's not going to happen and nothing takes away the mood like a small child's hand reaching under the door and the constant knocking and more than likely, crying that happens when you disappear from their sites. Pro: you guessed it...calorie burn.

9. Quiz time! Not only do kids ask why a lot, they also ask questions about things you may know nothing about. And you know when you have to answer a question about Pokemon you have to be real creative!!! Pro: keeping the brain in working condition.

10. Cheap entertainment! I can't even count the number of times I just sit back and watch the chaos and laugh. Or when your kids says something that really just hits a funny chord in you and you laugh. My kids are notorious for saying and doing  the craziest things. Pro: ab workout (aka calorie burn) and a good mood.

So, if you are considering having children, but you are scared. You probably should be. I know I have never regretted a day of being a mom. There definitely isn't much glamour to the business and don't get me started on the pay. But day in and day out I get to be with those I love and most of the time they love me too!

The girl next door!

I can tell you exactly where I was when I heard the news. I remember all the details of that moment. And that feeling of unbelief, followed by pure sadness.

I'm sure most of us have experienced something similar to this in life. I recall my mom telling me about where she was when she learned that JFK was shot and killed and detailing that day as if it had just happened. The same applies to September 11, 2001. While those events are significant, it's the things close to home that seem to resonate within the soul.

April 3, 2014

My children sat at the bar. My oldest was working on his math homework. I was on the phone with my husband as he drove home from work. I looked out the sliding glass door as my neighbor came across the backyard, dressed in his church attire. He knocked on the door and asked me if I’d heard about next door. I said no. His response, “be prepared for a bomb!” I hushed my husband and told him he had to hear this. “Katie and Taylor were driving home from their grandpas house, they were hit and both of them were killed.” All I could say was “no!”

But IT was real. I wandered out into the backyard holding the phone but just silence echoed on the other end. I had a million thoughts going through my brain. How do we tell the kids? Maybe they already heard. What do we do? And then I began to reflect on their family.

In the weeks before the accident I started noticing our next door neighbors more. I had a strong impression to be a better neighbor be a little more friendly, more outgoing and be a little more involved with them. And although I had good intentions, things just never seemed to fall into place the way I had planned.
Now, that impression I had feels like a bad tattoo and my desire to do more for my neighbors has increased because even though they may not have known it, they have done so much for me.

Taylor was always so nice, he waved at everyone. He would stop whatever he was doing to wave. It was something I looked forward to everyday as I pulled into my driveway.  In the morning as I would leave to take my oldest to school he would wait at the edge of my driveway and make sure that all the kids waiting at the bus stop were safe. As the weather got warmer I would often hear the sound of a basketball against the cement as Taylor practiced his shooting and dribbling. My boys would run outside and my 4 year old would say “I’m going to play with my friend, Taylor.” Twelve year old Taylor would smile and wave to me and say “they can stay out here, I’ll watch them.” I would even find him assisting my little four year old to make baskets.

Katie was 16. She was really pretty and popular. You could tell she was the life of the party. My boys loved having her babysit them. We often called her over last minute to sit with the kids. She was fun and ALWAYS smiling. She was the first non-family member that we allowed to watch our baby girl. My daughter was just 5 months at the time and as a 15 year old, Katie reassured me as we went out the door that everything would be fine.

Over a year has passed since I listened to the calming words of Katie tell me that everything would be fine but, over the last month, those words have carried me through many sleepless nights. And just like I could always depend on Taylor to wave as we drove by, there is no doubt that he is still watching over my kids.

I hope that others can depend on me to reassure them in times of need.
I hope I can be more like the girl next door!

A mean girl!

I was once told by a girl that I looked just like Regina George from "Mean Girls". I took it as a compliment because who doesn't want to look like Rachel McAdams. As I reflect back on that comment, there might have been more to it and maybe my resemblance was merely a reflection of my attitude being much more like Regina's than I want it to be.

I know I can be judgmental at times. It's a major flaw and I'm working on it. The strange part is I'm also very laid back. Sometimes I say things and then once I've said it I move on because in reality, things don't really bother me that much. But other people might not move on so quickly. I'm sorry!

Just the other day I realized I really am a mean girl.

I had recently returned from maternity leave. I was giving report to a girl that had started working with me just prior to having my baby. Anyway, the day was difficult and as I was giving report there were a few things that needed to be checked up on. The girl was super rude to me about it. I figured that she was super pretty and probably didn't want to do more than she had to.  I let it slide off my back because she was still new and I didn't really care. Well, this happened the next few times we exchanged report. Did I mention that she is super pretty? I assumed that because she was so pretty, she probably got into nursing school, and didn't really care about the job or anyone else and it was just a paycheck for her. I know, it probably sounds like she is the mean girl. And that was pretty much my thought process on her until last week.

I just switched to working nights and now I was working with this girl. I'm easy going and get along with most people but had never taken the time to get to know her based on our previous encounters. Well, the conversation was about cancer because sadly, our jobs kind of revolve around this stuff. She mentioned how much she hates cancer and I agreed. Well, at least we had one thing in common. Somehow, the conversation progressed and she started telling me how her husband died from cancer. I was shocked. She is so young, has a little boy that's 2.It just didn't seem possible or fair. I didn't ask many questions. But I came home and looked at her Facebook page. I found a link to her blog. I began reading it and it was so sad. This girl who I was probably not real nice to had been through more than I can imagine.

At the time she started working with me she was just getting back on her feet from all of this. I pretty much felt like a jerk. The next time I worked with her I apologized and we bonded over other things. I learned that she's a great girl.  I also learned not to judge a book by it's cover.

So, next time someone seems like a brat. I'll probably let it slide off my back a little quicker and find out if they need a friend or if they are really just a mean girl.

A runners wife

So, it was a little over 5 years ago that I set out on a journey to run a half marathon. My husband was very supportive of me. He gave me time away from our, then one, child to train. As the half marathon approached, he laughed the entire time telling me how crazy I was to be running for that long.

Well, little did he know that the following year I would be great with child and he would be the one running the very same half marathon. But of course, he had to "one-up" me. We all know a person or two who is what I lovingly call a "one-upper". They are the ones who always have something better or greater to add to whatever you just said, did, etc. Anyway, he one-upped me the following year by running a full marathon.

Here we are just a few year later and he has continued to love this running thing. I keep having babies and taking time off. But his desire just increases and because he is a little bit competitive he also keeps getting faster and faster. He's not breaking any world records or winning any races, people, he's just beating his own records. I admire his desire, however as a woman in full blown child-bearing mode it's a little rough on the self esteem. If you don't know what I mean, go ahead a Google what a marathon runner looks like.

Photo courtesy Zazoosh

The scale is not my friend, the mirror is not my friend and being naked is definitely not my friend. None of these things are his fault. Unless, you consider that he is half the reason I have gained 30+ lbs a few times. But I did gain some awesome yet challenging kids along with the weight. And it's not like I have kept all the weight on . I sit here with 10 lbs to lose. I have completed 60 days of the Insanity workout and lost 1 lb! I'm not posting my success story here for that one! I even went to the doctor to have my thyroid tested because I was desperate to have some reason I couldn't be losing weight. Turns out as the doctor so nicely pointed out, my thyroid is fine,  I'm just over 30. Ugh! I guess that I better start working out to lose weight instead of working out so I can eat.

And so my journey begins. Eat better and run my guts out. I just signed up for a race series to keep my motivation up. A new race every couple weeks. Sounds like I'm still the crazy one after all.

A grieving mother

With the recent passing of a friend’s 13 month old baby, it has made me think a lot about loss. How I deal with it and how others deal with it. I keep thinking about my own losses in life, which pale in comparison but took me down a similar path of grieving.

I too have had to deal with the grief of losing a child, only mine was through miscarriage. I reflect on my own grief as I have dealt with that over the years and absolutely CANNOT imagine what it must be like for her or other parents. However, I still have had to grieve my own losses.

I remember my first miscarriage as if it were yesterday. I remember feeling so alone and empty. Yes, empty is the most appropriate word to describe it. With this miscarriage I suffered a “blighted ovum” and that resulted in an empty womb and a d&c. My little womb was empty and a little piece of my heart was too. My most recent miscarriage is so fresh in my mind; I can still feel the pain in my heart as I type this. I remember my fear when I knew miscarriage was eminent. My body knew what it was doing this time but my heart wasn't as prepared as I thought. And my mind was just...at a loss as well.

In the weeks following both miscarriages I could hear the whispers, I could see the blank stares, I could even feel the awkward silence. Nobody knew what to say to me and most of the time people who did say stuff ended up saying the wrong stuff (unintentionally).  And if you have never suffered a loss, you may be wondering, what can we do or say?

Here is my list of how respond to a grieving mother:

• ·         Ask: It’s ok to ask her how she is doing, how she feels, or even questions about the baby (due date, how far along she was). But be prepared that the answer may not be simple and may involve tears. (Don’t take it personal).
• ·         Keep it simple: “I’m sorry” goes a long way.
• ·         Know your grieving mother: This one seems like it is the most important to me. Does she like hugs, does she like to talk...etc. Hugs are nice but I preferred them in private because I dislike crying and for whatever reason hugs squeezed the tears right out of me. And those of you, who know me, know I’m not much of a hugger or a crier. 
• ·         Listen!  Instead of telling her a story about someone else in a similar situation. In this moment SHE is the one hurting and as selfish as it sounds probably doesn't care about those people right now. Unless she asks, of course. And sometimes I just wanted to vent about how I was feeling without judgement. 
• ·         Hold the math: Don’t throw out statistics. Numbers are not comforting in any form. And if she is like me, math gives her anxiety!
• ·         Forget luck: Don’t tell her how lucky she is that it happened early. If that doesn't make sense. Let me just explain how it sounds to the mom. “You are so lucky you lost your baby before you even got to hold it.” Basically it emphasizes that she will never get to experience X, Y, Z with her baby.
• ·        Patience: If your plan is to announce you are expecting …WAIT!!! Your pregnancy is exciting and she would love to share your happiness but she may not be ready. Give her some time to heal. And it may even be necessary to tell her in private. But at all costs do not tell her on the same day she told you of her miscarriage!
• ·         Be aware! This is for those who are already visibly expecting. Don’t complain continuously about your pregnancy and don’t take unnecessary risks (going on rollercoasters, eating sushi) during your pregnancy in front of her. I know those things sound petty. Think of it from her perspective she is completely jealous of you. She definitely wishes she was pregnant.
• ·         Serve: You can show her how much you care by serving her. Especially if you don’t know what to do or say.  Let her borrow your baby for a minute if she needs that (refer to know your grieving mother).  She might be struggling and more than likely feels alone. Do not avoid her or isolate her.

Please, please, please keep in mind, these are based off my own experiences and some only apply to those first weeks following the loss and some may not apply at all. There will never be a fool proof guide to follow.

Using these things I learned here is what I wrote to my friend after her loss.

Dear K,
Over the past week I cannot get you and your family out of my mind. I have been checking on you through your Facebook posts and I have found myself unsure what to say to you.
As I sat at your son’s funeral several things resonated with me. These thoughts brought me back to your resent post of your half marathon. Running a half marathon is not an easy task; it takes determination, dedication, endurance, and even a little faith. Just as you prepared your body to run, Heavenly Father helped prepare you for this. Much like that 13.1 miles it will not be a sprint, this too will take time. During some of those miles you may have felt as if you were being carried and you may find some of your days will feel the same. I pray that you will feel of the love many of us have for you and your family and we can continue to carry you forward during this difficult time and help you reach that goal of the ultimate finish line, where your little man is waiting. 

My intentions of sending this message were pure. And if your intentions are pure, she will know, regardless of following my advice. Sending that message was not only my attempt to help her to heal it was actually cathartic for me as well. 

Let's face it, we as mothers are part of a special club and when one of us is grieving, we are all grieving and need to take the time to heal.